There’s something about sadness that brings out the poetic. There’s something about darkness that brings out beauty. There’s something about raindrops on my windowsill that brings me peace.
The feeling always comes out of nowhere: loneliness. It hits like a mad bus and leaves the wreckage trailing behind. It’s the emotional reality of what I already knew: I’m single.
I’m not alone. I’m not hopeless. I’m not incomplete. However, my heart longs with every fiber of its being to share life with someone. It’s a natural desire. You might even call it a holy desire.
I’m not going to feel badly for feeling this way. The desire to share life with someone has nothing to do with whether or not I am content in God. I feel like something is missing…because it is. It’s not to say the timing of God is not perfect; it is to say that I am every bit as human as I ought to be.
I walk down the dark street as the rain pours down. I see the city lights on the mountainside and I look up to see the moon shining through the clouds. There is no one around. Just me and the silence, and I love it. I love the gentle stillness – the peacefulness of the dark. I’m not afraid. My heart is at rest.
How can two such extreme emotions dwell in my heart at the same time? Maybe if I am afraid of anything, I am afraid of falling in love with the silence. I am afraid of falling in love with the silence because I know that the loneliness will still be there too. I don’t need anyone, but I want someone. I am not dependent on anyone, but I want to love someone.
Sometimes my chest feels so heavy because inside I feel so full. There is so much in my soul that I want to lavish on someone…and it wants to spill out. But I must guard it. I must stuff it inside, for now. There is a gentle warning to never admit it is even there.
Why do we feel as Christians that we can’t be honest about this? Why do we feel as if we are immature if we feel the pangs of loneliness? I used to believe that God would bring someone into my life once I learned not to care; however, I don’t think I will ever cease to care. As insecurities have been stripped away, I have found that in some ways I care more. I no longer live devastated. I am happy. I am at peace. However, I want to share the beautiful moonlight, the peaceful dark streets, and the pouring rain.
Though it is all fair and right, that day is not today. So I will turn on a beautiful song, listen to the traffic rush by outside my window, and smell the rain as it falls. I will give thanks to my God, who has taught me peace, who has lavished His love on me every day of my life, and who has opened my eyes to see that it’s ok…it’s ok to feel pain…it’s ok to experience loneliness…because it is a sign that the best is yet to come.