I want to thank my mom publicly today for being who she is and I want to share a letter that I wrote her today to say Happy Mother’s Day to an amazing mom. I am so thankful for her and all that she is to me and to so many people.
This is one the hardest things I have ever had to write. There is so much I want to say, yet how do I say it all? I am 25 and I think for the first time I am at a place where I can see beyond myself to all that you have done for me and all that you are to me. There are so many things for which I need to ask your forgiveness, so many things for which to thank you, and so many things with you I want to share. You truly are a woman that deserves to be honored, and I want to do that today.
Last night I went to sleep with a heavy heart thinking of all the ways over the years that I have dishonored you and not appreciated you. If there is any relationship in my life that I have neglected or treated badly, it is my relationship with you. So many times I have spoken out of emotion and hurt and focused on the negative, when I talk to you and when I talk to my friends. While there is no perfect person on earth, I have a pretty amazing mom; and as much as I wish I could turn back time and correct all the ways that I have sinned against you, I know that this is impossible. So I sit here with many tears and a whole lot of regrets, asking that you might forgive me and give me the opportunity for a new type of relationship with you.
Sometimes it is easy with the people who have always been there to assume that they will always be there. However, this mother’s day I know several people that are walking through this day wishing that they had the opportunity to share things that were left unspoken. I know that you wish with all your heart to be able to spend this day with your mom, but you can’t. I don’t want to take another moment for granted, but enjoy the time that I have with you. When it comes down to it, we both know that life is short, unpredictable, and unfair. Time is no respecter of persons. I don’t want to have anymore regrets about things that I know I should have said and had the opportunity to say, but delayed.
I have navigated nearly our entire relationship from selfish motives. I have talked with you and asked things of you out of my personal needs without consideration of what you need and want. While it is true that I cannot be everything that you need and want just like you cannot be everything that I need and want, I have expected things out of you that only God can give me and looked to you to fulfill things for me that should never have been placed on your shoulders. No human on this earth was meant to have that place. I have declared you guilty in my heart each time that you did not respond the way I wanted you to respond and carried bitterness in my heart for the times when you were working through things just like I was working through things. Over the years, I have thrown some pretty big things at you, and you had to respond and figure out how to live with the decisions that I have made. Somehow, I expected you to be perfect, but that doesn’t make any sense. Please forgive me for the way I have been so selfish. Forgive me for the thousands of conversations we have had when I have done all the talking and you have patiently listened. Forgive me for the thousands of conversations we have had when I have not listened well or cared as much about what you had to say as I did about what I had to say. With all my heart, I want this to change.
You have been there for me throughout every stage of my life. I am not a mom yet, but I can imagine that it is the hardest job on earth. You were blessed with a strong-willed and stubborn child with a million dreams that would lead her away from you and into situations that weren’t the safety and security that you always wanted for your daughter. Next to all your friends who have somewhat “normal” situations, you have had to stand alone and deal with an absence that no one completely understands. When I was young, I am sure that you imagined that your daughter would graduate from high school, possibly go to college, get married and have children, and settle down somewhere not too far away and establish herself. While I am not in the least bit apologizing for my calling or the decisions that I have made that have led me here, I want to apologize for not being sensitive to the sacrifice that you have had to make. You can’t just pick up the phone to call me, and my insane schedule doesn’t allow me to answer messages right away. I haven’t been home for the last two Christmases, and there will probably be some in the future that we will have to celebrate across the ocean with a camera and a computer. I want to thank you for supporting me and the ministry that God has called me to do. I know that me signing a contract for two and a half years to live so far away was really hard for you, but you have encouraged me to follow God’s will for my life over your desires, as hard as I am sure it was and continues to be often. I know that God has helped you be strong.
Thank you for the example that you have given me of faithfulness and responsibility. I never quite learned many of the things that you tried to teach me as a child until recently, but you laid the foundation. You taught me so much about life and people from your fountain of wisdom, and the more people I know, the more I appreciate your insight into relationships and the ways you have taught me to live. The more people I know, the more I realize that I grew up with a rare jewel that gave me so much more than material things; she gave generously out of a storehouse of riches in love, wisdom, and discernment. I hope to someday be half the woman you are in these ways that are so lacking in our world. I cannot express how thankful I am for the foundation you gave me and the countless things that you taught me that I use every day of my adult life. Thank you for still being there for me to love me, share wisdom, and teach me how to discern the right way.
I love and appreciate you so much. Thank you for not giving up on this hard-headed child of yours. Thank you for being who you are and for helping me to become the person that I am today. I am really missing you today (I know that isn’t a phrase you hear from me very often). It is hard to be so far away and not be able to visit when I want to. I pray that the time will pass quickly to when I can see you again. Until then, we will use the internet and prayer. Happy Mother’s Day! I hope that this day is super special for you.