The past few days I have really been struggling with Spanish. I feel like there are very few people I can talk to about it because most people think that I can speak Spanish so well. The truth is, I can survive and have meaningful conversations, but we have reached a point in our Spanish study where I have literally been preparing myself to throw in the towel. We have started learning a tense called “subjunctive” which has basically taken a language I thought I could speak and made it completely foreign to me. I sit in class day after day and I am so overwhelmed by the feeling that I have no idea what is going on. I have started to forget words and tenses that I have known for years. It is all a great big mess of…mess.
This morning I had to write a speech for class about wishes and desires for our future time in Ecuador. Well, I was supposed to. I got an hour and a half into the process and had a meltdown. I didn’t know some tenses that I needed to write the speech. I couldn’t even remember the tenses I knew. I made a decision that I was done with Spanish. I mentally “cursed” every person I have known that told me that Spanish was the easiest foreign language to learn. I couldn’t even bring myself to pray. I threw a few words together and walked to the roof.
One of the many things I love about God is that I don’t even have to be praying for Him to speak to me. He never fails to wipe my tears away and give me new hope. I sat down with my journal and I didn’t even get the words, “Lord, I can’t do this Spanish thing”, out of my pen before He flashed Philippians 4:13 across my mind, “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.” Suddenly He reminded me that He has called me to this, and what He has called me to He will bring me through. I heard Him say to my heart, “Take your pen and write what it is that I am saying to you.” So I took my pen, and did as He asked, “I want you to learn Spanish with the passion you serve Me with. I want you to practice piano with all the passion you serve me with. Trust me with your weaknesses. Would you believe that I can create streams in the desert? I can make passion flow where there was none. I am the light that shines in the darkness. I can make this light inside of you grow. Will you trust Me with your weakness? Could you believe that I can be your strength? Why have you been trying to do this on your own? Of course you’re going to fail. Why have you refused to come to Me? Do you believe that I can do anything? Do you trust me that much?”
I have been so overwhelmingly exhausted at the thought of giving everything to God. How could I possibly give Him any more of me? What I have given has left me weary and tired. This morning He reminded me that He is the One who gives living water. He is the One who restores my soul. When I give to Him, I receive so much more. He can make streams flow in the desert of my soul. I was certain all the passion and desire inside that was once alive had died. Oh how small my faith is. Oh how I have forgotten that this is not my life that I am living and not my strength on which I am being sustained. My God has called me to this, and He will carry me through. He alone is my rock. He alone is my strength. I will not be overwhelmed. I can’t do this, but God, You can.