I have been struggling to desire to spend time with God lately. I finally sat down this afternoon and told Him that. What more painful thing could anyone say to someone else? “I honestly don’t want to spend time with you.” However, the difference between God and another person is that He is big enough that He can take it. He is the only One who can help me to know why I have hit this wall in our relationship. He has shown me that my honesty in His presence is the key to a breakthrough.
What is love, really? If I were to give the Sunday School answer, it would most certainly be God. It would most certainly look like 1 Corinthians 13. Sounds nice, and wonderful, right? Yeah, it pretty much is. So why do I want it but push it away at the same time?
Why is there a part of me that is so resistant to love? I will allow someone into my heart and into my life only until a certain point until I turn and run away. Yes, I literally run away. Too close. Too much. No more.
Why do I desire a cold world over a warm heart? Why would I prefer to run into the arms of a world that could care less about me rather than run into the arms of my God who has a love for me that is so much stronger than I could imagine? I told God today that I am afraid of being wanted or desired. In my mind there is a limit to love. Even though I know that God’s love for me is so much greater than the broken love I have known and the broken love I know how to give, it has come too close. It is too much. I don’t want to tell God “no more”, but I literally struggle to know how to accept a limitless love. Could I accept acceptance?
What does it mean that God pursues me? There is a part of me that is afraid that He will stop. As I have been sitting here praying and writing over this, I have been listening to Misty Edwards worship. It has been playing quite a bit in my room lately. It has been stunning how the theme of the songs that are playing are directly related to the things that God wants to say to me. The songs put words to what I cannot say or understand. Is it possible that God wants to give me something that I can never receive anywhere else? Is it true that He would want to lavish His love on ME? Why on earth? Who am I? I want to go hide in a corner that I know. I want to bury my face in my legs and let the tears flow. The darkness I know. Cold hearts and limited love is what I know. True love and true beauty is something I have only been able to take a little at a time from God. We have come to the point in our relationship where I would typically run for the hills. I am fighting the desire to do that. I love God so much and I want to grow closer to Him. However, He has come close to me. I am scared. I am uncomfortable. I am not worthy. What might He see deep inside of me? Seems so silly. Here is a God who knows everything about me and loves me anyway, and yet I cringe at the thought of Him coming too close. What shame is left inside this heart of mine that I still need to let go of?
What is so dangerous about love? I am not afraid of being hurt. I have been there. I have caused hurt. What I am afraid of is that this love might be real. This love might actually not give up on me. This love might actually be worth it. This love might actually be unconditional. Could I face that? I don’t know what it means to come face to face with true love. I don’t know what it means to be truly desired for everything I am; the good, the bad, and the ugly. I don’t know what it means to have someone truly and sincerely see who I am and who I can become. What limits human love has! To have the creator of my heart and soul truly believing in me, encouraging me, calling me forward…calling me inward into His warm embrace. What safer place could I ever find? What more wonderful thing could there ever be?
I don’t want to fight it anymore. I don’t want to hide anymore. I need His help to come out of the shadows. I need His help to look into His eyes and not let my eyes dart away from His loving gaze. True love is dangerous. True love really does exist. I am praying that God would help me allow myself to be found.