God has been rocking my world lately. I say that a lot because He does that a lot. I am discovering every day how much I don’t stinking have a clue. This past week has been a week of fasting and prayer and I have to say that I have learned so much about my weakness. I have learned how far I have to go in certain areas of my life. I have discovered even more the power of prayer. I hunger so much for God’s strength and power in my life. I long for His wisdom. I desire deeply for spiritual maturity.
Because of some health issues, I am not able to fast food. God has used this to an advantage in our relationship, because we have been focusing on other areas of my life that stand in the way of intimacy with Him. Besides the occasional message that needed to be responded to right away, I have not been on Facebook this past week. I’m pretty sure that is the longest I have gone without it since I signed up for Facebook, and that includes living in the middle of rural Dominican Republic with only one computer with Internet that I had occasional access to and spotty electricity. It sounds ridiculous, but being able to share my thoughts with the world when I want to has been something that I valued. So what happens when I can’t share my thoughts with the world whenever I want to? I share them with God.
Truth be told, I had a major wake up call last Friday that drove me into prayer. I have dealt with a level of spiritual warfare my whole life, but last Friday I had an encounter that caught me off guard. I am usually very private about this area of my life, but God is beginning to change this in me too. He has proven to me this past week that what He has given me is not mine, it is His. What He leads me through is not my story, it is His. And He is teaching me that I absolutely cannot face the enemy alone. This entire past week that I have been in prayer and burdened with all that is going on, my prayer supporters back in the States have been woken up by God in the middle of the night and stopped in the midst of their day to pray for me. God has brought this community of support around me by His own initiation, and I have been so humbled by His movement. I have been humbled by how much my God cares about me that He would lead people to encourage and strengthen me. Oh what a small box I have put God in. I talked in a video I made this morning for a church about how God has been the genie in the lamp for me. I have chained him in a teeny tiny living space and have attached all kinds of rules to him about how He can answer my prayers. And who am I to wish anything? He has been teaching me how to let Him loose. My unbelief and limited faith has kept Him from going wild in my life. Am I really willing to do whatever it takes to be an effective warrior for the Kingdom? Am I willing to believe that my God can do anything? Is there anything that is impossible for Him?
I am afraid. I am afraid of what will happen if I allow God to take away the ground beneath me. I asked God today if He would speak to me because I desperately want to hear from Him. His response to me was this: “Are you really ready for what I’ve got? Do you really want to hear from me, or do you want to want to hear from me? Be honest with me. I am God of the Universe.”
The truth is, I want God’s heart for His people. I want His eyes to see the world. I want His wisdom so I might understand. But I’m not there yet. This week of fasting has only opened the window to me about how I need to be doing this ALL THE TIME. As much as I thought I have wanted God’s presence and Spirit in the past, I have not desired it nearly enough. I do not desire it nearly enough. I have seen in the past two weeks how the Holy Spirit has been present and unmistakable in my life, but I had nothing to do with it. I have been hungry, but I have not been starving. I have been desiring, but I have not been desperate. First things first, Lord make me desperate.
I have found in many areas of my life that when I cut something, I find something else to replace it. Take away Facebook, and I just spend more time on Skype. There are areas of my life that are definitely improving, but I am not sure that I realized my dependency on certain things until God revealed them to me. But it is the spirit behind it that concerns me the most. Could it be that I have far too much entitlement inside of me? I grow cranky when God starts showing me things. Time with Him sometimes brings out the worst in me because I’m not happy with with I have seen. I am defensive when someone points out my weaknesses. How do I bridge such a steep gap? I guess only by the grace of God. Could I believe that His grace is enough? Can I rest in His leadership in my life?
All of this is to say: I want to say “Yes” to God. I need His help killing my flesh, because it is the only way to truly have life in the Spirit. I am so grateful and thankful for all the work He has already done in my life, but I don’t want to stop there. I am asking God’s forgiveness for limiting Him with my faith. I am asking Him to help me with my unbelief. I need His strength to walk through these doors. I need the prayers of His people and their support. I need to not be so private with the areas of my life that God is transforming. I want people to see me well, but what if God has a bigger plan with my weakness? I will boast in my weaknesses because God will gain glory, but I continue to pray that He won’t leave me there. I am begging God for the desire for His presence to fill every area and every empty space. He is all I need. He is all I want. May my life and the attitude of my spirit reflect that.