Lately I have been thinking a lot about how little I know and understand about God. I am pretty sure that about four years ago I knew a lot more than I do now…or at least I thought I did. The more I have dived into Scripture and into being a part of God’s Kingdom, the less I feel that I have a grasp on concrete understanding of life and the way things truly are. Honestly, in some ways it is frustrating because as soon as a good theological statement comes out of my mouth, God looks at me and says, “Is that so?”
I have big time skepticism of those who claim have it all together and think they know what they are talking about. Maybe it is just the phase of learning I am in, but it seems impossible to me to get to that point in any amount of time less than eternity. I have read in so many places in the Bible where God says how much He hates pride, but blesses those who are innocent and pure. The entire Kingdom of God is so opposite of what one would think a Kingdom should be; it is upside down of anything that is natural or logical.
There is so much of the Bible that I used to understand, but now I read it from a completely different place in life. The Kingdom of God used to be so small to me. However, the past couple years God has truly been shaking up my theology and the little box that I am so tempted to put Him in. The box is growing, but the truth is that there is still a box. Verses like Matthew 17:20-21 are so confusing to me: “‘You don’t have enough faith,’ Jesus told them. ‘I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.'” How do you figure that? What does that even mean?
I have noticed that when Jesus has talked about great faith, He has not talked about faith that is huge, but He has always described it as something very small. He has often talked about children. I know that when I think about maturity, I often think about people who are old or who have been through a lot of things and have learned much. However, Jesus so often tells us to become like little children. He seems to value innocent and pure above learned and experienced. Matthew 11:25-26 says, “At that time Jesus prayed this prayer: “O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, thank you for hiding these things from those who think themselves wise and clever, and for revealing them to the childlike. Yes, Father, it pleased you to do it this way.'”
When I read Scripture, I pay special attention to passages that mention that God is pleased with something or someone. In my life, I not only want to satisfy God and obey everything that He had asked me to do, but I want to please Him. I want His smile. I want to live the best way possible with the best relationship with God that is possible. I want my life to bring Him joy.
I sat down to pray about this idea of maturity this morning with God because I was struggling with how immature I felt I was in my faith. I want to always be growing and learning from God. I want to be competent and equipped for the leadership that I know He has called me to. That’s what I want. However, is that what God wants?
Last night I felt very strongly that God was asking me to share my testimony at home group. So I did. And something amazing happened later in the evening: my host sister made a decision for Christ. And I can honestly say that at least in my observation, it had absolutely nothing to do with anything that I said. In fact, I don’t think it mattered what I said at all. But you know what? I don’t even care. I know that I did what God wanted me to do. I know that God did what He wanted to do. Whether the two are related or not really doesn’t matter. His will was done in everything, and in that I rejoice.
I feel that instead of making my faith more mature like I would want, God is making my faith more…for lack of a better word…stupid. Instead of things making more sense as time goes on, I am losing intelligence, at least in the world’s eyes. I understand less and less, but I have increasingly more joy and peace every day of my life. I am moving to the front of the auditorium toward the stage. I am seeing more and more of God’s activity and it just puts me to worship. Matthew 5:8 says, “God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God.” Forget mature faith who has no need anymore for God. I want a pure heart. God, I want to see You.
My theology is rocked absolutely every time I truly take the time to learn from God. I pray that God would give me the maturity to not desire maturity like I have always seen it. I pray that He would show me that a true mature faith looks like a child. It is as small as a mustard seed. Like John the Baptist said in John 3:30, “He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less.” Lord, teach me how to be small and make my heart pure before You. I only want Your smile.