God and I have been talking lately about the issue of falling in love. This has always been an “issue” for me. I think maybe a lot of church kids feel this way too, that we have told ourselves for so long that anything to do with a boy (or girl) is wrong. Yeah, sex is wrong before marriage (yes, I said the three letter word), but the issue of dating and relationships was so taboo that it wasn’t even talked about in church. Therefore, it must be wrong. But the problem comes in still wanting it. Why do I want to be in a relationship? How on earth do I learn how to be in a relationship?
Well, I struggled too with what a lot of people have told me over the years. I have heard person after person tell me to enjoy my single years because someday I would get married and (insert interpretation) life would get terrible. All married people ever talk about is how annoying their spouse is or how they envy the fact that I’m single. (I have met a few exceptions, but the majority of people are like this). I don’t even think they realize that this is what they are portraying, but it’s true that this is the perception that I walk away with: marriage is wrong. Anyone else come away with this perception too?
For me, the issue does not lie in possibly marrying an annoying person or getting hurt. The problem lies in myself and my fear of not being good enough. Why on earth God would bring this up in my life now, I don’t know, but when He wants to talk about something, He’s relentless. So, reluctantly, we have dived into this murky water called “how Chelsea feels about relationships.”
This morning as we sat down to talk about this, I told God about how my desire to fall in love has always felt to me like my “dirty little secret.” I had told myself for years that falling in love was wrong, mostly because everyone told me that I was too young to think about it but I still had the desire. Therefore, wanting to fall in love became my “sin”…it became something that I was very ashamed of. Then God asked me a question that broke my heart, “Are you ashamed of your desire to fall in love with Me?” How do you answer a question like that? “Of course not, but I admit that it hasn’t been easy.”
God reminded me of the things that healthy relationships are based on, and the thing that is at the center is learning how to love the other person’s heart. Then I realized that was exactly what my relationship with God was all about. It wasn’t about looks, because obviously, I can’t see God. It wasn’t about what He does for me, because I learned a long time ago that God isn’t Santa Claus waiting to give me whatever I ask for. His love for me went beyond what I wanted to what was best for me. His love is a selfless love, as mine should be for Him. As the relationship grows deeper, I realize that all I want is what He wants and I learn to see the things that break His heart and cause Him pain. Sometimes I have to remind myself what a miracle it is to be able to fall in love with the Creator of the universe, and at that a Creator that I have never seen. Yet He is more real to me than anything I touch or feel. He is a reality beyond the reality that I have always known. The only thing inside of us that can begin to comprehend this is the heart.
I learned today that falling in love with someone should look exactly like falling in love with God. It should start with learning how to love his heart. That’s about as far as I’ve gotten in this whole discussion with God, and I’m sure there will be more to come. It was like one of those “AHA!” moments. I still haven’t decided if a relationship would be for me or not, but I think God is saying that it is. We’ll see who wins this battle…haha…I can pretend I even have a chance.