Wow…today I am, well…having issues. I went to church this morning, and I have no idea what God is up to, but I DON’T LIKE IT.
I guess the worst part about going to church this morning was going back to my Sunday School class after a few months absence. I didn’t go for a while because I felt like God was calling me to spend that time with Him. This week was my first time back. The class time was great…lesson was great…it was what happened in between the lines and inside of me that made me just want to cry.
The lesson was on waiting on God and talking about Nehemiah and the time between hearing about the ruins of his home town of Jerusalem and when he and the king actually had a conversation that sent him back to rebuild. 4 months. Yeah, I understand that. I understand that really well.
The hard part for me in class was feeling like I just wanted to get out of there…like the whole time. I walked in and sat down. A couple people talked to me…but the spot beside me was the last spot to be filled, and was only filled because they ran out of places for people to sit down. The ones that did come and sit by me hesitated quite a while before doing something. I just kept thinking to myself, “What’s wrong with me? Do I have something on my face because someone should tell me. Do I smell? I took two showers yesterday and I think I’m pretty clean. Am I ugly? What’s the deal here?” Every time I said something…well Brady was pretty good about it, but it seemed to bounce off the walls and, well anyway…
I don’t connect with people my own age and I connect even worse in a group of people my own age. They talked about how we need to carry each other’s burdens and ask for help and you know what…how? People my own age and every other age for that matter think they know the answers to everything and the answers sound really good…but when it comes to practically living love to other people, maybe I’m just the one that no one sees, I don’t know. I guess not being seen is better than being seen and then rejected. Being rejected is how I felt today when I went to Sunday School. I don’t belong there, and the truth is, I don’t know where it is I belong. I know that I belong in Christ, and He has been the only reason that I’m even somewhat ok right now. However, I can’t live on my own little island forever, and how to break out of that is a question that probably needs to be answered soon.
The truth is, I feel more accepted at IHOP than anywhere else. People see me. People like me, or at least they act like they do. I don’t get that at church, and I have not had that in a REALLY long time in a Christian community. I have a friend here or there, but a group of friends…not since high school. And that was at school. At church I still felt weird and out of place.
Sometimes I wonder if that’s why I’m so interested in orphan care…I know what it’s like to be the outcast. I know what it’s like to not fit in anywhere. I know what it’s like to want a place where you belong.
I don’t know…just some thoughts…