I’ve decided that I’m both madly in love and completely dissatisfied with this stage in my life. I think I’ll tell you why I’m in love first.
I guess I’m in love with the possibilities. I love how I can enjoy becoming who I want to be and who God wants me to be. I can focus on building my skills, trying out different things, and actually having dreams. In a lot of ways, I hate the thought of growing up because it seems like most grown-ups who are married with children just decide that’s all to life. I’m too much of a free spirit for that, especially right now. I love doing unusual things because it’s fun and I enjoy making memories. There’s so much I want to do before I settle down. So much I want to do.
And it seems like the sky is really the limit too. I could technically just pick up and move halfway across the country and get a job without much problem. Not that I would do that, but this time in my life would be the easiest to do that. I could decide to do missions and move to another country on a short or long-term mission venture. I could work in whatever non-profit organization I want to, and dedicate my time and energy to things like that. There’s so many possibilities. It’s exhausting to think about, especially when I can hardly make it through a work day without being completely worn out. Usually when I get home from work I have nothing left. All I want to do is sleep. Most of the time, I don’t even want to go to the effort of eating.
In a lot of ways, I feel like I have no life or identity outside of work. The other day I thought about buying some different color flip flops for when I’m not working, and then I immediately vetoed the idea because when am I not at work? Part of this is probably because when I’m home, my brain is still there half the time. You know what I want more than anything? I want a vacation. I want maybe 4 days where I can do whatever I want to and actually have enough energy to want to do what I want to do. I love my job, but it’s not my dream, and I’m so tired. I focus so hard on doing my best all day that I am at my job. I want to do whatever I am responsible for well. I don’t know how to do anything halfway. I don’t want to do my job halfway.
Age 23: I love it. I hate it. You know why else I hate it? I’m too old for the college kids, the majority of my friends have moved away, and I’m too young to hang out with the people I work with (their decision, not mine). I have a couple friends that I hang out with, but everyone is so busy that it’s hard to get together. It’s like I’m in my own little world floating. Sometimes I want to talk to someone or hang out…but I don’t know with who and not many people are interested in doing some of the crazy things I want to do. Married women think I’m nuts, and we don’t have a whole lot in common. When I try to talk to someone about this, I feel so immature and unfeeling…yet overemotional at the same time. I’m like a walking oxymoron. And every time I see that word I think of that one bearded guy with the oxyclean commercials.
I don’t want to have a boring life. I don’t want to have a meaningless busy life. Almost all the adults I know fit in one of those two categories. I don’t want to be like that. How can I get away from it? I refuse to drink coffee, first of all because it’s gross and second of all because that’s what older women do when they sit at a round table and talk about all the things they saw at Kohl’s the other day on the sale rack. Really? I don’t fit. Anywhere. I’m like that puzzle piece you find under your couch while you’re spring cleaning, and you can’t figure out where it came from. It’s depressing. I can become whoever I want to, and that’s all fun and exciting, except nobody cares. Yay. I’m just going to become whoever I want to be anyway. God cares. That’s all that matters. It’ll be a sweet ride.