The Dark Places of My Heart

So tonight I need to share some things that perhaps I have hardly shared with anyone before.  However, I think they are acceptable to be shared, and perhaps should have been shared a long time ago.  I just really need to be brutally honest about some things.
Tonight I went to dinner with my best friend Joanna.  She’s moving out to the east coast this weekend, and I’m having a really hard time with it.  She has been my absolute best friend for the past five years, and I can’t imagine my life without her.  If you know me, you know that I have a lot of “friends”, and I really do care about them deeply, but in most situations, they are closer to me than I am to them.  That’s just usually the way it goes with me, because I don’t generally assert myself to people unless I really trust them and I am positive they want to know me.  Joanna is one of those few people that I have let into the deep recesses of my heart, and I would have to say that she knows me better than anyone in my entire life.  She has seen every side to me and hasn’t turned her back on me.  She has gone through some serious dark times with me and I with her, and in a lot of ways has been the only friend to see everything that has happened the past five years.  Even when we were both abroad for a semester, it was during the same time, and we were each other’s support through that journey, as it was super difficult for both of us.  Words can’t describe the bond that we have, and I’ve basically been in mental shut down for the past day since I found out that she is moving so soon.  It’s really hard for me.  I feel stupid admitting that, and the whole time during dinner tonight she kept having to comfort me.  I’m just not good at this kind of thing.
I think that is part of the reason why I’ve just had a super hard day and have been so critical about everything.  I spent the morning pretty frustrated at the church and all the talk and dissention that goes on there.  I just don’t understand why so many people (and probably myself) have such an immature view on the purpose of the church and in how things need to be done.  We put so much importance on things that don’t matter and leave the things that do matter in the dust.  And we wonder why people don’t want to come to church, and why everyone outside the church thinks we’re ridiculous.  We live so anti-biblically it’s not even funny.  Not even remotely funny.  How did we get so off-base?
Then I spent the next few hours frustrated at men.  I think about every girl knows EXACTLY what I’m talking about here, and there’s not really a need to embellish.  However, I did consider a vow of celibacy strongly today, and I’m not quite sure that I have ruled it out.  However, if you are a godly man that is seeking the Lord with all your heart, CUTOS TO YOU.  You are few and far between, a rare jewel in a pile of rocks.  Usually the jewels have no interest in me, but I hope they find good wives that treasure them for the wonderful men they are.
Then I got an angry phone call, and in some ways I deserved the chewing out because there was something that I had been neglecting that I had not fully realized that I was neglecting.  However, the fact that the person who called was my friend caused the situation to be much more hurtful than it was intended or should have been.  It shook me up pretty badly.  I am used to dealing with angry people, but usually I can pass it off that they didn’t really mean that toward me or they are just in a hard place in their life and I can’t help them.  However, this was very personal, and a few tears were shed.  Hopefully no one saw.  For me, it’s hard to deal with someone who is angry with me, because that isn’t how I respond to things myself.  When I’m upset with someone enough to confront them about the issue, I try to handle it very calmly and I’m usually so concerned about hurting them that they end up comforting me.  That’s what made this so hard.
When work ended at 5:00, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and not come out.  Part of it was that I haven’t hardly had any free time for a couple weeks or longer.  I’ve been moving, and there’s so much involved in that.  Plus my parents had come to visit and they stayed with me while they were here, and last night I was so exhausted, I basically went to bed not long after I got off work.  I slept for at least 11 hours last night.  I could have kept sleeping pretty much all day today.  Judging by how the day went, maybe I should have.  Oh well, I guess everyone has to have bad days, right?
I remember thinking all day today, “All I need is a hug.”  I got to thinking about how people say that in order to be healthy, you have to be hugged pretty often (I forget how many times a day or week).  I get a hug maybe once every two or three weeks, and rarely is it a genuine hug.  Usually it’s a “I haven’t seen you in a long time and how are you doing?” sort of hug.  From a friend, well, I guess I don’t know too many huggy people.  Personally, and I hate to admit it, I need it.  I guess I haven’t seen myself as a person that really thrives on physical touch, but I think I need it more than I have admitted even to myself.
I felt today like there’s a giant dissatisfaction in my heart about my life right now.  I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.  I love my job, and I like going to my job.  I like most of the people I work with most of the time, and I always try to be a pleasant person to be around.  I feel like I don’t get enough time to really think about me though.  Maybe that comes with having the type of job I have, always dealing with people who are in some pretty deep struggles and are pretty hopeless.  I guess that’s bound to get to you from time to time.  And to be fair, I am pretty young to have a job like that.  So I guess I have some maturing to do.  There’s just a part of me that is deeply lonely, like I want to share life with someone but at the same time I don’t feel like I’m remotely ready for that.  There’s so much becoming that I want to do and I feel I have to do before that, but I feel so alone so much of the time.  It sounds crazy, but one of my favorite things about this new place I’m living is how much noise everyone makes all the time.  The dogs are always jumping up and down above me and the kids are running around.  I love it, because then I don’t feel so alone.  I so often feel like I have to face all my problems alone.  I have to come home to my fish and my geckos, but they can’t hold me when I cry.  I guess I’ve never really had that, so I don’t know why I would miss it.  Something deep inside of me must know that is wonderful.  Maybe my faith’s not strong or something, but I guess I just long to be close to someone, even if it’s just a friend.  And now my closest friend is moving away, and I don’t care how many times she tells me we’ll skype or text.  It’s just not the same as being there.  And people never talk as much as they promise when they move apart.  That’s just how it always turns out.
So tonight I’m going to wipe the tears away and go back to daydreaming of a day when things will hopefully be a little better.  Things are not terrible now, and I am blessed beyond my imagination.  However, I have noticed today so strongly (as I notice nearly every day) how lonely I really am.  It’s hard because there are people out there (and I’m sure everyone’s experienced this) that want to get close to me.  However, are they the type of people that I should get close to?  Usually not.  The problem in the past with me has been that I see the red flags, but choose to ignore them because I really want a friend.  I don’t want to do that again.  That turned out VERY BADLY a few times in the past, and one time in particular.  I don’t want to make the same mistakes I have in the past.  I usually handle things in a passive aggressive way because I don’t want to intentionally hurt someone.  Confrontation is not something that has ever happened well in my family, and I’m a little gun-shy about it all.  I need to get over that.  I need to learn to tell people how I feel more often.  However, I don’t want make a call to someone like I received today and have them hang up and start crying.  I don’t ever want that to happen.  I guess I need to sit down and really figure out who I want to be overall and how that shows itself in all these situations.  I’m not quite sure how to do that, and honestly it’s hard to find the time.  I feel like I’m at work ALL THE TIME.  I love my job so much, but it’s hard to be there for so many hours a week when there’s so much else I have to get done.  Life can get so overwhelming.  I just want to crawl up and sleep for a couple days.  I want to shut the world out.  I need for it to stop turning for just a while so I can figure out which way is up and which way is down.  I’m so exhausted from spinning in circles. 
Ok, that’s my really long rant.  I feel better now for having shared that.  I hope I haven’t offended anyone.  This is really what’s been going on in my head today.  I’m going to go to sleep now.

About the author chelseamaxine

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