Chapter 4 of Crazy Love just messed up my life.  All I have going through my mind are questions.  Most of these questions haven’t made their way into words yet.  Hopefully by the end of this blog, I will have figured out how to articulate at least most of the things that are going on in my heart.
What does it mean to follow Christ?  What does it mean to be “sold out” for Him?  What does “radical” mean?  If we are truly following Christ, then we will look like radicals to those around us, right?  So what is the definition of radical?  Could it be that God’s truth is the only truth that matters, so therefore it is “radical” to be lukewarm in our faith?
And how strong is my love for Christ?  He was always walking up to people and saying to them, “Come, follow Me.”  They often gave Him a thing that they would like to do first, and He always told them that desiring anything more than pursuing the Kingdom of God whenever the call came made them unworthy of the being a part of the Kingdom of God at all.  What about the ones who didn’t offer an excuse?  Well, they were the ones that God used to change the world.  It didn’t matter that they were fishermen who didn’t have a lick of education.  God called.  They went.  And now we’re living their story.
And what about the Kingdom of God being compared to a pearl?  What can you do with a pearl?  At least with a car, you can drive around town.  However, a pearl only has value by what it is.  It doesn’t DO anything.  So would I sell everything I have that is useful for something that has worth just because of its existence?  Why did God compare the Kingdom of God to a pearl?  Does the Kingdom of God DO anything, or does it have worth just because of its existence?
What really matters to me?  What I might say when thinking about it is possibly different than what I say with my life.  I would say that I live that others’ opinions of me are important, that I am successful and responsible with my job, and that I live a godly life.  I want to be able to respect myself at the end of the day and know that I did the best I could with what I had.  But in light of the Kingdom of God, what should be important to me?  God’s opinion and calling only.  Might I look or feel irresponsible?  Yeah.  Might others not respect or admire me?  Yeah.  Would my idea of what a godly life looks life be thrown way into question?  Most likely, yes, because the way that we grow up in church understanding the Kingdom of God and the way the Kingdom of God really is, I am finding is vastly different.
So what is worth my EVERYTHING?  Is God worth my EVERYTHING?  Have I given Him my EVERYTHING?  What does that look like?  As I was cleaning my apartment and taking stuff downstairs that I am going to sell, I was looking at some of the things that I was still keeping.  I wouldn’t consider myself a materialistic person at all, but I seriously have to ask myself, if God wants me to drop EVERYTHING and leave, could I do it?  Would I do it?  I’d like to say I would…
What would I do if I had to leave everything I consider secure?  What if God asked me to leave my job, even with no other sure source of income in the future?  Surely that’s unwise, and I’m not saying I’m thinking about doing this…I’m just asking what if?  What if God were to ask me to sell everything and live like He did, with no place to lay down my head?  What if I had to depend on Him for my next meal and night’s stay?  Would I have the courage to do that?  I’d like to say I would…
And what if I had no idea what the question was?  What if God was asking me to “Follow Him”, but didn’t know what the sacrifice was up front?  Would I still get up out of the boat and follow Him down the dusty street?  Surely Peter didn’t know that getting out of the boat that day would lead to him being crucified upside down just a few years later.  Surely he didn’t know that in between he would be imprisoned, that he would deny that He knew the Messiah, or that he would become a leader of one of the most outrageous movements in history.  He was just getting out of a boat.  Could I do that?
You know what (and a shout out to my friend Nic), God ruined my life.  That’s about all I have to say tonight.

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