I have been having a really hard time lately. I don’t even know how to explain the struggle, except to say that I am reevaluating a lot of things in my life. What is really important to me? What is the passion of my heart?
You want to know the thing that breaks my heart every day? Well, if you don’t, stop reading now.
It breaks my heart that there are children in the world that do not have a family. When I was in South Africa, I learned that there are children that live even in the graveyards, and because they do not have a birth certificate, the government does not know they exist. No child deserves to live like that. Every child should know what it’s like to have a mom and dad, to have shelter and food and to know God’s love. That has been the cry of my heart for years. I want to give those children a home, to show them that they are so loved by God, and they have a future and hope in Him.
Call me crazy. Call me a dreamer, I don’t care. I’m just being honest. I cannot express how deeply my passion for dedicating my life to orphan care really is.
So I have been thinking a lot about the things that I have allowed to take priority in my life. A good object lesson is my apartment. I have SO MUCH STUFF, mostly because I never take the time to go through stuff and organize or decide what I really need. My place looks like I’m a hoarder, not because I keep everything that “might be useful someday”, but because I literally don’t care about things. I’ve realized that if I don’t need something, then I need to get rid of it. If my apartment resembled how I really feel about stuff, it would be pretty empty. Seems hilarious to some people who figured this out at age 3, but that is something I am working on.
I have also been evaluating why I am so busy and why I feel the constant need to say yes to everything someone asks of me. I have not prioritized my time well, and I have worked God into little slots in my life instead of making Him my life. So when He becomes the focus and the highest priority in my life, how will the way I spend my time look different?
And what kind of boxes have I put God in? Growing up in the Church of the Nazarene, going to a Nazarene college, working at a Nazarene church, going through ordination classes in the Church of the Nazarene…have I been building my entire idea of the Church around the Nazarene church or around the Kingdom of God? I love my church and my denomination and they have “raised” me well. However, I don’t want to miss God in all this church. Is it preposterous for me to even say this?
Have I been living in my own understanding of how God is going to fulfill His call in my life? I’m a planner, and like chess, my mind is always 3 steps ahead. Have I put words in the mouth of God? Am I shutting the door in His face by not considering that maybe He thinks a little more unconventionally than I do? I don’t want to miss Him. This time has been excruciating, because I can’t even fathom the next step. I have to be patient and wait for God to speak and lead me where He desires. I am not handling it well to say the least. He’s really working on me, and I’m finding He has a lot of work left to do, because in a lot of ways I’m a mess.
So in all of this, all the uncertainty and cloudiness in the future, I have to say this: What I desire more than ANYTHING is to serve God and to love Him with everything I am. I want to see the world as He does and to be used by Him in whatever way He desires and leads. I want this more than my dreams and goals. I want this more than my comfort and safety. I have one life to live and I choose to give it to Him, praying that He will honor the desire of my heart to serve Him. He is my everything and all that I live for. Whatever the next step is, I pray that God will keep my heart purely devoted to Him.
I want to be in a place where I am actively serving God and using the gifts and talents He gave me to glorify Him. I am praying that if this place is not here, He will lead me to wherever that is. If that place is here, I pray He will give me the passion for the work and open up opportunities for me to glorify Him where I am. Waiting on God to speak is hard, especially when my heart is restless and discontent. I want to be responsible and wise, and for my actions in everything to resemble God’s love and presence. I am praying that He gives me the grace to do that, whatever the outcome.
So these are my thoughts. This is me being honest. At this point, I’m trusting God to honor my transparency. I don’t know what He wants for me right now. It’s a little scary, especially for someone who likes to have it all figured out and thought she did. However, when I sense that God is gearing up to speak to me, I have to listen. I don’t want to miss all that He has planned for my life. I want to lose myself in His Kingdom. He is the passion of my heart above all else. Please pray for me through these difficult days.